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communication

Conflict Resolution Skills
Whatever the cause of disagreements and disputes at home or work, these skills can help you
resolve conflict in a constructive way and keep your relationships strong and growing.

What is conflict?
Conflict is a normal part of any healthy relationship. After all, two people can’t be expected to agree
on everything, all the time. The key is not to fear or try to avoid conflict but to learn how to resolve it
in a healthy way.

When conflict is mismanaged, it can cause great harm to a relationship, but when handled in a
respectful, positive way, conflict provides an opportunity to strengthen the bond between two
people. Whether you’re experiencing conflict at home, work, or school, learning these skills can help
you resolve differences in a healthy way and build stronger, more rewarding relationships.

Conflict 101Conflict 101

Causes of conflict in a relationship
Conflict arises from differences, both large and small. It occurs whenever people disagree over their
values, motivations, perceptions, ideas, or desires. Sometimes these differences appear trivial, but
when a conflict triggers strong feelings, a deep personal need is often at the core of the problem.
These needs can range from the need to feel safe and secure or respected and valued, to the need
for greater closeness and intimacy.

Think about the opposing needs of a toddler and a parent. The child’s need is to explore, so
venturing to the street or the cliff edge meets that need. But the parent’s need is to protect the
child’s safety, a need that can only be met by limiting the toddler’s exploration. Since these needs
are at odds, conflict arises.

The needs of each party play an important role in the long-term success of a relationships. Each
deserves respect and consideration. In personal relationships, a lack of understanding about
differing needs can result in distance, arguments, and break-ups. In the workplace, differing needs
can result in broken deals, decreased profits, and lost jobs.

[Read: Tips for Building a Healthy Relationship]

When you can recognize conflicting needs and are willing to examine them with compassion and
understanding, it can lead to creative problem solving, team building, and stronger relationships.

How do you respond to conflict?
Do you fear conflict or avoid it at all costs? If your perception of conflict comes from painful
memories from early childhood or previous unhealthy relationships, you may expect all
disagreements to end badly. You may view conflict as demoralizing, humiliating, or something to
fear. If your early life experiences left you feeling powerless or out of control, conflict may even be
traumatizing for you.

If you’re afraid of conflict, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you enter a conflict
situation already feeling threatened, it’s tough to deal with the problem at hand in a healthy way.
Instead, you’re more likely to either shut down or blow up in anger.

Healthy and unhealthy ways of managing and resolving conflictHealthy and unhealthy ways of managing and resolving conflict

Unhealthy responses to conflict: Healthy responses to conflict:

An inability to recognize and respond to the

things that matter to the other person.

The capacity to empathize with the other

person’s viewpoint.

Explosive, angry, hurtful, and resentful

reactions.

Calm, non-defensive, and respectful reactions.

The withdrawal of love, resulting in

rejection, isolation, shaming, and fear of

abandonment.

A readiness to forgive and forget, and to move

past the conflict without holding resentments or

anger.

An inability to compromise or see the other

person’s side.

The ability to seek compromise and avoid

punishing.

Feeling fearful or avoiding conflict;

expecting a bad outcome.

A belief that facing conflict head on is the best

thing for both sides.

Conflict resolution, stress, and emotions
Conflict triggers strong emotions and can lead to hurt feelings, disappointment, and discomfort.
When handled in an unhealthy manner, it can cause irreparable rifts, resentments, and break-ups.
But when conflict is resolved in a healthy way, it increases your understanding of the other person,
builds trust, and strengthens your relationships.

If you are out of touch with your feelings or so stressed that you can only pay attention to a limited
number of emotions, you won’t be able to understand your own needs. This will make it hard to
communicate with others and establish what’s really troubling you. For example, couples often
argue about petty differences—the way she hangs the towels, the way he slurps his soup—rather
than what is really bothering them.

The ability to successfully resolve conflict depends on your ability to:The ability to successfully resolve conflict depends on your ability to:

To successfully resolve a conflict, you need to learn and practice two core skills:

Core skill 1: Quick stress relief
Being able to manage and relieve stress in the moment is the key to staying balanced, focused, and
in control, no matter what challenges you face. If you don’t know how to stay centered and in
control of yourself, you will become overwhelmed in conflict situations and unable to respond in
healthy ways.

Psychologist Connie Lillas uses a driving analogy to describe the three most common ways people
respond when they’re overwhelmed by stress:

Foot on the gas.Foot on the gas. An angry or agitated stress response. You’re heated, keyed up, overly emotional,
and unable to sit still.

Foot on the brake.Foot on the brake. A withdrawn or depressed stress response. You shut down, space out, and
show very little energy or emotion.

Foot on both gas and brake.Foot on both gas and brake. A tense and frozen stress response. You “freeze” under pressure
and can’t do anything. You look paralyzed, but under the surface you’re extremely agitated.

How stress affects conflict resolution
Stress interferes with the ability to resolve conflict by limiting your ability to:

Is stress a problem for you?
You may be so used to felling stressed that you’re not even aware you are stressed. Stress may
pose a problem in your life if you identify with the following:

Learn how to manage stress in the momentLearn how to manage stress in the moment
One of the most reliable ways to rapidly reduce stress is by engaging one or more of yourOne of the most reliable ways to rapidly reduce stress is by engaging one or more of your
sensessenses——sight, sound, taste, smell, touchsight, sound, taste, smell, touch——or through movement. You could squeeze aor through movement. You could squeeze a
stress ball, smell a relaxing scent, taste a soothing cup of tea, or look at a treasuredstress ball, smell a relaxing scent, taste a soothing cup of tea, or look at a treasured
photograph. We all tend to respond differently to sensory input, often depending on how wephotograph. We all tend to respond differently to sensory input, often depending on how we
respond to stress, so take some time to find things that are soothing to you. Read: respond to stress, so take some time to find things that are soothing to you. Read: QuickQuick
Stress ReliefStress Relief..

Core skill 2: Emotional awareness
Emotional awareness is the key to understanding yourself and others. If you don’t know how or why
you feel a certain way, you won’t be able to communicate effectively or resolve disagreements.

[Read: Improving Emotional Intelligence]

Although knowing your own feelings may sound simple, many people ignore or try to sedate strong
emotions like anger, sadness, and fear. Your ability to handle conflict, however, depends on being
connected to these feelings. If you’re afraid of strong emotions or if you insist on finding solutions
that are strictly rational, your ability to face and resolve differences will be limited.

Why emotional awareness is a key factor in resolving conflict
Emotional awareness—the consciousness of your moment-to-moment emotional experience—and
the ability to manage all of your feelings appropriately, is the basis of a communication process
that can resolve conflict.

Emotional awareness helps you to:

Assessing your level of emotional awareness
The following quiz helps you assess your level of emotional awareness. Answer the following
questions with: almost never, occasionally, often, very often, or almost always. There are no right or
wrong responses, only the opportunity to become better acquainted with your emotional responses.

What kind of relationship do you have with your emotions?What kind of relationship do you have with your emotions?

If any of these experiences are unfamiliar, your emotions may be If any of these experiences are unfamiliar, your emotions may be ““turnedturned”” down or even off. down or even off.
In either case, you may need help developing your emotional awareness. You can do this byIn either case, you may need help developing your emotional awareness. You can do this by
using Helpguideusing Helpguide’’s free s free Emotional Intelligence Toolkit.Emotional Intelligence Toolkit.

Nonverbal communication and conflict resolution
When people are in the middle of a conflict, the words they use rarely convey the issues at the heart
of the problem. But by paying close attention to the other person’s nonverbal signals or “body
language,” such as facial expressions, posture, gestures, and tone of voice, you can better
understand what the person is really saying. This will allow you to respond in a way that builds trust,
and gets to the root of the problem.

[Read: Nonverbal Communication and Body Language]

Your ability to accurately read another person depends on your own emotional awareness. The
more aware you are of your own emotions, the easier it will be for you to pick up on the wordless
clues that reveal what others are feeling. Think about what you are transmitting to others during
conflict, and if what you say matches your body language. If you say “I’m fine,” but you clench your
teeth and look away, then your body is clearly signaling you are anything but “fine.” A calm tone of
voice, a reassuring touch, or an interested facial expression can go a long way toward relaxing a
tense exchange.

More tips for managing and resolving conflict
You can ensure that the process of managing and resolving conflict is as positive as possible by
sticking to the following guidelines:

Listen for what is felt as well as said.Listen for what is felt as well as said. When you really listen, you connect more deeply to your
own needs and emotions, and to those of other people. Listening also strengthens, informs, and
makes it easier for others to hear you when it’s your turn to speak.

Make conflict resolution the priority rather than winning or Make conflict resolution the priority rather than winning or “being right.being right.” Maintaining
and strengthening the relationship, rather than “winning” the argument, should always be your first
priority. Be respectful of the other person and their viewpoint.

Focus on the present.Focus on the present. If you’re holding on to grudges based on past conflicts, your ability to see
the reality of the current situation will be impaired. Rather than looking to the past and assigning
blame, focus on what you can do in the here-and-now to solve the problem.

Pick your battles.Pick your battles. Conflicts can be draining, so it’s important to consider whether the issue is
really worth your time and energy. Maybe you don’t want to surrender a parking space if you’ve
been circling for 15 minutes, but if there are dozens of empty spots, arguing over a single space
isn’t worth it.

Be willing to forgive.Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive
others. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can serve only to deplete and drain
your life.

Know when to let something go.Know when to let something go. If you can’t come to an agreement, agree to disagree. It takes
two people to keep an argument going. If a conflict is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage
and move on.

Using humor in conflict resolution
You can avoid many confrontations and resolve arguments and disagreements by communicating
in a humorous way. Humor can help you say things that might otherwise be difficult to express
without offending someone. However, it’s important that you laugh with the other person, not at
them. When humor and play are used to reduce tension and anger, reframe problems, and put the
situation into perspective, the conflict can actually become an opportunity for greater connection
and intimacy.

Authors: Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., Lawrence Robinson, and Melinda Smith, M.A.

Last updated: October 2020

Get more help

Related

A conflict is more than just a disagreement.A conflict is more than just a disagreement.A conflict is more than just a disagreement.A conflict is more than just a disagreement. It is a situation in which one or both It is a situation in which one or both
parties perceive a threat (whether or not the threat is real).parties perceive a threat (whether or not the threat is real).
••

Conflicts continue to fester when ignored.Conflicts continue to fester when ignored.Conflicts continue to fester when ignored.Conflicts continue to fester when ignored. Because conflicts involve perceived Because conflicts involve perceived
threats to our well-being and survival, they stay with us until we face and resolve them.threats to our well-being and survival, they stay with us until we face and resolve them.
••

We respond to conflicts based on our perceptionsWe respond to conflicts based on our perceptionsWe respond to conflicts based on our perceptionsWe respond to conflicts based on our perceptions of the situation, not of the situation, not
necessarily to an objective review of the facts. Our perceptions are influenced by ournecessarily to an objective review of the facts. Our perceptions are influenced by our
life experiences, culture, values, and beliefs.life experiences, culture, values, and beliefs.

••

Conflicts trigger strong emotions.Conflicts trigger strong emotions.Conflicts trigger strong emotions.Conflicts trigger strong emotions. If you aren If you aren’’t comfortable with your emotions ort comfortable with your emotions or
able to manage them in times of stress, you wonable to manage them in times of stress, you won’’t be able to resolve conflictt be able to resolve conflict
successfully.successfully.

••

Conflicts are an oppor tunity for growth.Conflicts are an oppor tunity for growth.Conflicts are an oppor tunity for growth.Conflicts are an oppor tunity for growth. When you When you’’re able to resolve conflict in are able to resolve conflict in a
relationship, it builds trust. You can feel secure knowing your relationship can surviverelationship, it builds trust. You can feel secure knowing your relationship can survive
challenges and disagreements.challenges and disagreements.

••

Manage stress quickly while remaining aler t and calm.Manage stress quickly while remaining aler t and calm.Manage stress quickly while remaining aler t and calm.Manage stress quickly while remaining aler t and calm. By staying calm, you By staying calm, you
can accurately read and interpret verbal and nonverbal communication.can accurately read and interpret verbal and nonverbal communication.
••

Control your emotions and behavior.Control your emotions and behavior.Control your emotions and behavior.Control your emotions and behavior. When you When you’’re in control of your emotions, youre in control of your emotions, you
can communicate your needs without threatening, intimidating, or punishing others.can communicate your needs without threatening, intimidating, or punishing others.
••

Pay attention to the Pay attention to the Pay attention to the Pay attention to the feelingsfeelingsfeelingsfeelings being expressed being expressed being expressed being expressed as well as the spoken words of as well as the spoken words of
others.others.
••

Be aware of and respect differences.Be aware of and respect differences.Be aware of and respect differences.Be aware of and respect differences. By avoiding disrespectful words and By avoiding disrespectful words and
actions, you can almost always resolve a problem faster.actions, you can almost always resolve a problem faster.
••

1. Quick stress relief:Quick stress relief: the ability to quickly relieve stress in the moment.

2. Emotional awareness:Emotional awareness: the ability to remain comfortable enough with your emotions to
react in constructive ways, even in the midst of a perceived attack.

Accurately read another person’s body language.•
Hear what someone is really saying.•
Be aware of your own feelings.•
Be in touch with your own, deep-rooted needs.•
Communicate your needs clearly.•

You often feel tense or tight somewhere in your body.•
You’re not aware of movement in your chest or stomach when you breathe.•
Conflict absorbs your time and attention.•

Understand what is really troubling other people•
Understand yourself, including what is really troubling you•
Stay motivated until the conflict is resolved•
Communicate clearly and effectively•
Interest and influence others•

Do you experience feelings that flow,Do you experience feelings that flow,Do you experience feelings that flow,Do you experience feelings that flow, encountering one emotion after another as encountering one emotion after another as
your experiences change from moment to moment?your experiences change from moment to moment?
••

Are your emotions accompanied by physical sensations that you experienceAre your emotions accompanied by physical sensations that you experienceAre your emotions accompanied by physical sensations that you experienceAre your emotions accompanied by physical sensations that you experience
in places like your stomach or chest?in places like your stomach or chest?
••

Do you experience distinct feelings and emotions,Do you experience distinct feelings and emotions,Do you experience distinct feelings and emotions,Do you experience distinct feelings and emotions, such as anger, sadness, fear, such as anger, sadness, fear,
and joy, which are evident in different facial expressions?and joy, which are evident in different facial expressions?
••

Can you experience intense feelingsCan you experience intense feelingsCan you experience intense feelingsCan you experience intense feelings that are strong enough to capture both your that are strong enough to capture both your
own attention and that of others?own attention and that of others?
••

Do you pay attention to your emotions?Do you pay attention to your emotions?Do you pay attention to your emotions?Do you pay attention to your emotions? Do they factor into your decision-making? Do they factor into your decision-making?••



Managing Conflict with
Humor

Improving Emotional
Intelligence (EQ)

Anger Management

Emotional Intelligence
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https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/conflict-resolution-skills.htm?pdf=13749

Managing Conflict with Humor

Improving Emotional Intelligence (EQ)

Anger Management

Emotional Intelligence Toolkit